Confusion

I've not written on here for quite some time, but as we all know I make rubbish decisions. It's difficult knowing what you need to do but knowing that you don't want to. I spent years of my life telling myself that I don't want a relationship, that I'm content with being alone. However, finding someone that you just feel right with can easily change that. I guess you can say that's what I've done. It's just a shame he probably doesn't feel the same. I guess I should bring you up to date- basically the guy from before asked for me back (long story short said he missed me, I was horny and voila) the first couple of weeks were perfect, or so it seemed for myself? Maybe it wasn't the same for him. I don't think I'll ever truly know, then now it's as if he's having regrets? Feeling as though it's unfortunate we're together. Making plans with others and myself on the same day at the same time. I guess we will see who he chooses aye? I can't be second choice as much as it upsets me, he isn't allowed to drag me back into his web just to hurt me again. Bleugh

Empty, empty, empty.

Officially my life has been completely turned on its head, not only did I lose my boyfriend but I lost my best friend too, it's finally completely clear that he no longer wants anything to do with me. Not even friendship, that sucks hard.
We got on so well, had such fun together. Yet, I seemingly just didn't make the grade, I didn't cut it. I hope he's happy in whatever or whoever he does, excuse how crude that is. Finally, I hope things sort themselves out for me too, I might just sleep until they do.

On the plus side, I've lost a stone of weight and get my hair sorted tomorrow.

Trapped

I guess I always wonder why I'm here? why I was even born? what's out there for me? What will happen in five years time?
It's saddening to know that I'll never actually know, what's even more saddening is not knowing if you want to?

I'm sick of it being just me, I just want someone to care you know? To give a damn when I'm crying, or even when I'm happy. To want to spend time with me without thinking I'm a burden. I can't envisage that every happening however, so why can't I end it? What's stopping me? What's keeping me from ending everything and not having to worry how I'll spend my life? Not having to worry about what he's doing, whether he's safe? Because after all, why should I care when no one else does?

I get that I'm difficult, but I try. So why can things just not work out once? Just once? Bleugh Bleugh Bleugh. Someone just give me a chance please?

Energy and dedication, where you at?

I just want quick results but these aren't quick enough! What is even happening. Honestly, I'm ready for things to pick themselves up now, but instead nothing is happening? Why is that?
What I'm talking about is everything, my weight loss, like fine so I've lost around eight pounds since starting this, but it isn't visible and according to my scales I'm 31% fat which is higher than it should be! I'm trying so give me results, please?

And secondly, I'm trying to be friends still but its so difficult when he's avoiding talking at times, then others he's lovely. What is this about? God damm it. I'm ready to close my eyes and wake up to a new me with prospects and a sexy body!

Leaky potato

I didn't know what to call this post and since I've just had leak and potato cuppa soup, this is the outcome.
I think today is mostly good, I'm fed up of seemingly 'begging' for friendship. Where's my power at? I want to be the one choosing whether to talk to people not the other way round. FRUSTRATING! Argh
Hey ho, I lost some more weight. That's a positive I'll be attractive soon enough we hope!

How are all you doing?

Finding my category

There are several types of people in the world, those who are: intelligent, rich, 'geek', popular, athletic, musical or attractive. I mean within those there are probably sub-genres that equate to another type of person, but for this post I'm going to stick to those particular ones.
So where do I fit in?
I'm not particularly intelligent anymore, I would probably say I'm of adequate intelligence, but to intelligent people that doesn't matter if you've not got the academics to back it up.
I'm most certainly not rich, nor is it likely that I'll ever be rich.
I'm not geeky enough to be considered a geek, I hate star wars and if I had to choose between watching a game stream and sleeping in the mid morning, I'd probably choose sleep.
As we are all aware I cannot keep friendships so popularity is not my strong point. I'm not musical nor athletic and I am most certainly not attractive.
Yet, I've got to fit in somewhere? So where do I go?
There should be a category for hard workers, but how often do hard workers get anything because of how hard they've tried?

Mad as a hatter.

I'm ever so frustrated with everything atm and truly beginning to run out of titles, no one really cares about my ramblings anyway though.

I think my problem today is that I just wish I could be the person I want to be, I'm just too awkward, I'm not likeable so it alienates me and ruins everything. I try though, don't think for a second I don't, but when you are constantly in your head second guessing what you're saying or doing and have grown up with people constantly telling you that you're destructive and weird, it gets repetitive and eventually you start believing it?

I want to like social situations and get on with people, because I would do anything to make a lot of people happy, but it gets to the point where I'd rather be the one that 'chooses' or seems to choose to be left out, rather than be dumped out in the cold without warning. That's the bit about this that sucks, whenever I let people in, or let them a little closer, then I'm the one that gets hurt. Why does this even happen? What am I meant to do to prevent it? I feel like I could've changed things if I'd bitten my tongue, if I was able to fit in with the majority. It's sad that I don't.
I'm a sad, pathetic excuse for a person.

Wanted: Best friend

Must be patient, funny, enjoy watching anime, watching random films and most importantly will sit with me on the phone when necessary. I will reward good behaviour with treats, I'm an incredible baker (when I try). I also don't usually eat what I cook so you can have it all for yourself!
If you're not sold by now, what more do you want?

So I get that I'm slightly obsessive and crazy, but honestly, I'm wonderful (at times). I enjoy nerdy things, and will put up with most things before letting it bother me. I just ask that people pay attention, be a friend if that's what you're saying you're going to be. JEEZ.

For real though, anybody need a friend to play dota with? I'm really bad, but I get so hype that it's rather amusing to watch.  In fact, if you need a room mate and you don't mind if I sit around in my pants whilst playing Dota/watching anime/drying my hair/after a shower then we're good?

Nope? okay then...

Being alone is lonely.

My title seems like a fairly simple concept, but, you know those times when being alone really is wonderful, in fact, just sitting around in your pants listening to music whilst doing seven others things is the best it can ever get. This is not one of those times, it sucks mostly because I just want a friend, most specifically that friend. Yet, for some reason, I have faulted and I'm not wanted anymore. I haven't heard from them in days when we used to be so close.
Is there a point waiting to leave Leicester before committing suicide? Will waiting give me planning time? I don't know, my house is empty tonight, so I suppose now is as good of a time as any. I don't even know. I feel like weeping until someone decides to give a damn. Which is unlikely going to happen soon, or well ever.

When to give up?

Lunch time posting again, yay!
I'm beginning to lose my mind waiting for others to make up theirs. Why are things not as simple as they first appear? I mean, either you want to be friends or you don't, right? It's not a difficult concept to grasp, so why is it being made so difficult? Why the lies? Why the ignorance? I just don't understand at all. Not one single bit, I'm putting in my all to try and make things work as friends, try to get us back to being close friends so they know I'm there for them, but maybe that's the problem they don't wish to be there for me. I get that I'm being an intense person right now, but I've lost so many friends in the past and I've never met anyone as similar to myself as they are, I guess I'm just really scared of losing someone that means a lot to me. At least I do not want it to happen again.

So, when is it time to give up? How do you know it's time to just walk away?

It's just not the same alone.

It's currently almost ten pm on Thursday evening, this is my second post today, which seems a little excessive but I'm using this as a way of getting my thoughts down and seeking help without having to be direct about it. Albeit, talking through things makes me feel better! (maybe)
So, I'm run down, ill and my nose has exploded into this snot ridden mess, I figured this evening would be easy, I'd walk home from work, I'd chill until later on, have a quick game of dota 2 and then would sleep. Simple right? Wrong. It's looking extremely likely that I've been let down, which is always a sickening feeling that sets my stomach and brain into overload, my stomach doesn't know whether it is okay or whether I'm about to throw up, oh and my brain, well that just over thinks until  I'm firmly placed in a state of panic.

I'm questioning whether what I'm doing is right by either of us? I'm beginning to feel numb and just counting down the days I can leave and end it all. That's not healthy though is it? So tell me why, when it's an easy fix, no one is willing to give me my happiness back? Why I'm not allowed to be saved from these feelings? How do I fix them myself? I'm running out of ways to get back to a point of mental flat ground.

What would you do if you held the key to save someone from themselves?

The beginning

Two weeks ago my life was as perfect as it had ever been, and if I'm honest, as perfect as it'll ever get to be. However, recently everything disintegrated, loneliness has overtaken my life and my plan has been unwillingly torn apart.
So, what do I do now?
It's difficult to come up with another journey when you've had to figure things out so many times before, sadly, my depression is leading me to believe my only option is through the 'light', shall we say.  It's only at times like these do you truly see who you matter to and what matters to you, which since I have already mentioned that I am consumed in loneliness, you can imagine I have very few people who care, if anyone at all.
I'm starting at the beginning of now, rather than the beginning of my life because it's now that's affecting me rather than my past, albeit we will no doubt get into that at some point.
So, currently I'm a 22 year old female, studying at university (although not attending thanks to anxiety), I work forty hours a week at a retail store, I'm 5'9 and brunette. Obviously, I cannot be objective on my appearance, but I'm overweight to say the least. It's funny really, if I was able to live in my imagination then everything would be perfect. It's reality that ruins me.